It hurts because it mattered.

16 Oct

      I was still in my junior year back then when I promised someone I’d do everything that I can to be able to study in Manila once I graduate from high school. You see, when you’re from the province, it’s hard not to dream of studying here in Manila. I mean seriously, if everyone in my place who wanted to study here had the opportunity to do so, I know they would grab it. This was the dream everyone had—to be able to study in Manila, period. It may sound so easy but I tell you, it isn’t.  Fortunately for some, who has remarkable talents and skills, they get to live the dream without having to go through—graduation, or even finishing the school year they were still in. Yes, everyone has their own unique talent. It’s just that some possess the talent which happens to be what the scouts from Manila are looking for. Lucky are those who were chosen; unlucky are those who got left behind.

Well, I got left behind. The worst part? I got left behind by someone so important to me. It’s not that I despise him for being able to live the dream ahead of me; in fact I’m very happy and proud of him for finally living the dream he dreamed of for so long. I just hate the fact that because of that dream, we got separated by distance, and eventually got separated because of the pain I wasn’t able to endure anymore. What is it with basketball that makes guys give up a lot of amazing things *hint.hint: ME!* and what’s with it that makes guys so freakin’ crazy anyway????? (Bitterness at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.)

I never fully realized how much impact a certain episode in one’s life has to be able to change a person’s life…until it happened to me. 5 years has passed, but no matter what I do, I still can’t find the strength to be able to stop myself from asking “what if?”. What if he never left? What if I disregarded the fact that I did not have any assurance that the person I was waiting for wanted to be……..waited for? What if I just had a whole lot of patience to be able to wait? What if I just kept all the pain to myself? What if I never gave up? What if?????????

Isn’t it so unfair how something so perfect got ruined by an opportunity—an amazing opportunity at that—which supposedly exists because they make perfect things more perfect? How come it did not end that way with mine? Here I am, studying in Manila for almost four years now, and yet, the person who was the main reason why I wanted to study here, sadly isn’t mine anymore.

Why are there things in life that no matter what we do and how much effort we put into changing it, we really just don’t and can’t have the power to do so? I hate this regret-filled life I’m living. I hate the fact that I made those choices I never would have made if the person I was before has the same way of thinking as the person I am today. Crazy how things work fine one minute, and the next thing you know, it slips away right before your eyes!

I guess that really is just how we, humans, can learn—by committing mistakes. I just wish I had to learn that same lesson from another mistake. Why did it have to be that mistake?! I get pissed off and amazed at the same time though, because I never thought that after everything that happened, and after all the tears shed, he’d still be in my mind. I hate that the feelings never left, even if the person I felt it with has left already. It hurts a lot, but I know he’s happy. That’s really what’s important—even from the beginning of this living the dream episode—anyway.

Cry a river, build a bridge, and GET OVER IT! For 4 years, I admit, I still haven’t finished building that bridge, I guess there’s still—duhhh, there’s always been—a part of me that wishes he would not let me build that bridge because there’s no need for me to and because he would not want me to… get over it….(it’s not a sin to hope, right?) Yes, I know I have to finish it soon. I hope one day I will. One day…

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